Understanding and Healing Core Relational Wounds: With Dr. Diane Poole Heller and Dr. Scott Lyons
When it comes to healing our deepest relational wounds, understanding how they show up in our bodies is just as important as understanding how they exist in our minds. In the recent Relationship Summit, Attachment Expert Dr. Diane Poole Heller and Somatic Psychologist Dr. Scott Lyons shared valuable insights on how early relationships shape our nervous systems and how we can start healing today.
The Body Remembers: How Our Earliest Blueprint for Connection Shapes Us
Think of your early relationships like a blueprint that your body uses to navigate connections with others. As Dr. Heller explains, we're all naturally designed for healthy attachment - it's as essential as our need for food and water. However, sometimes early experiences can create patterns in the blueprint that may not serve us well in our adult relationships.
These patterns aren't just mental - they live in our bodies. As babies and young children, we're like little sponges, absorbing not just how people treat us, but how the emotional atmosphere is taking shape around us. This information gets stored in our bodies before we even have words to describe it.
Understanding Different Attachment Styles Through the Body
Dr. Heller described several ways our bodies might adapt to early relationships:
The Avoidant Pattern: Like a turtle pulling into its shell, some people learned early on that it's safer to keep emotional distance. Their bodies might feel tense or withdrawn when others try to get close.
The Anxious Pattern: Similar to someone constantly checking their phone for messages, these individuals' nervous systems are always on high alert for signs of rejection or abandonment. Their bodies might feel restless or anxious even when things are going well.
The Disorganized Pattern: Like having one foot on the gas and one on the brake, these individuals' bodies simultaneously yearn for and fear close connection, often leading to confusing physical sensations.
The Role of Shame in Our Body's Story
Dr. Lyons introduced an important piece of the puzzle to this conversation: how shame shows up in our bodies and affects our relationships. He explained that shame actually has a biological purpose - it's meant to create a brief pause that helps us learn and grow. However, when shame becomes chronic, it can create a freeze response in our bodies that makes it hard to connect with others.
The Path to Healing Begins with the Body
Both Dr. Heller and Dr. Lyons emphasized that healing these relational wounds isn't just about understanding them - it's about creating new experiences in our bodies. Here are some practical steps they suggested:
Notice Your Body's Signals: Start paying attention to how your body feels in relationships. Do you tense up when someone gets close? Does your heart race when someone doesn't text back right away? These physical reactions are important clues about your attachment patterns.
Practice Small Risks: If you tend to pull away from connections, try taking small steps toward others while staying aware of your body's responses. As Dr. Heller shared through the story of an artist friend, even accepting a brunch invitation can be a meaningful step toward healing.
Track Your Emotions in Your Body: Use tools like emotion wheels to identify not just what you're feeling, but where and how you feel it in your body. Does disappointment feel like a heaviness in your chest? Does joy create a warmth in your belly?
Build Self-Regulation Skills: Learn ways to help your body feel safe and calm, whether through breathing exercises, movement, or other somatic practices. This creates a foundation for healthier relationships.
The Journey of Healing
Remember, healing relational wounds is a journey, not a destination. As Dr. Lyons pointed out, we often need to go slowly and be patient with ourselves. Our nervous systems need time to learn new patterns and create new experiences of safety in connection.
The good news is that our bodies have an amazing capacity for healing. Just as our early experiences created certain patterns, new experiences can help create healthier ones. With awareness, patience, and the right support, we can help our bodies remember their natural capacity for secure, fulfilling relationships.
Want to learn more?
Want to learn more about healing attachment trauma through somatic approaches? Our Somatic Attachment Therapy Certificate Program provides in-depth training in these powerful healing methods. Join us in learning how to create deeper connections and facilitate healing for yourself and others.
If you’re interested in understanding more about attachment and how somatic practices can help you, consider working with a Somatic Therapist or Practitioner. The Embody Lab’s Somatic Therapist and Practitioner Directory can help you find the right practitioner to support your journey towards more self-compassion, connection, and authenticity. Explore our directory and find the support you need.
