Somatic Tools for Healing Anxiety in Relationships: A Practice of Connection with Kai Cheng Thom
Anxiety in relationships is one of the most common and distressing emotional experiences we face. It can show up as fear of abandonment, difficulty trusting others, or an intense need for reassurance. At the Healing Through Somatic Attachment 2025 Summit, therapist, mediator, and somatic coach Kai Cheng Thom shared transformative insights and practices in her session, Somatic Tools for Healing Anxiety in Relationships.
Through her unique blend of somatics, attachment theory, and social justice, she invited participants to explore relationship anxiety through the body, uncovering ways to shift out of cycles of distress and into deeper connection.
Reframing Anxiety Through the Body
Mainstream psychology often defines anxiety as worry or preoccupation, typically addressed through cognitive methods such as reframing thoughts. However, Kai offers a different perspective, drawing from somatic practices and polyvagal theory. She explains:
“Anxiety can be understood as the body’s innate sense of danger - our nervous system’s way of alerting us, whether or not an actual threat is present.”
For many of us, relationship anxiety stems from past experiences of disconnection or harm. Our neuroception - the body’s automatic threat detection system - keeps us on high alert, even in safe or neutral situations. Kai notes that those who have experienced trauma or social marginalization are particularly prone to this heightened vigilance.
A Somatic Gratitude Practice for Grounding
To help you connect with a felt sense of safety, Kai offers a somatic gratitude practice, inviting you to extend your awareness in four directions:
Upward to the sky – Acknowledging gifts such as sunlight, rain, or the cosmos.
Downward to the earth – Noticing the support of the ground, soil, and nourishment from the planet.
Outward to community – Recognizing the relationships, human or non-human, that offer connection and support.
Inward to self – Appreciating the resilience, wisdom, and care we hold within.
Most people who complete this practice note a shift from tension to ease, reinforcing that somatic safety can be cultivated through intentional awareness and practice.
Understanding Relationship Anxiety Through an Attachment Lens
Kai explores how attachment patterns influence relationship anxiety. While attachment theory traditionally categorizes individuals as secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, she offers a more nuanced view:
“Attachment is not a fixed trait but a survival strategy - a way our nervous system adapts to relational risk and safety.”
She describes the attachment paradox - the fact that human beings experience both the deepest safety and the deepest fear in relationships. The push-pull dynamic of seeking closeness while fearing rejection is at the root of many attachment struggles.
Mapping the Attachment Anxiety Cycle
Relationship anxiety often follows a predictable cycle:
Trigger: Something activates the fear of disconnection (e.g., a partner not responding to a text message).
Overwhelming Sensation: The nervous system perceives danger, leading to heightened alertness or distress.
Safety-Seeking Strategy: The body moves into a protective response, such as seeking reassurance (anxious strategy) or withdrawing (avoidant strategy).
Impact on the Relationship: The cycle continues, reinforcing the attachment pattern.
Breaking the Cycle: Somatic Interventions
Rather than attempting to change thoughts about anxiety, Kai suggests intervening at the level of sensation. She introduces somatic tools for interrupting anxious cycles and building relational security:
1. Sacred Pause & Self-Touch
When anxiety arises, rather than reacting immediately, place a hand on your heart or another comforting area. Breathe deeply and acknowledge your body’s response with kindness:
“Thank you, nervous system, for trying to protect me. I hear you.”
This simple gesture can soothe the nervous system and create a pause before engaging in habitual patterns.The key is remembering that relationships are something we actively create together, not something that just happens to us. As Dr. Tatkin reminds us, if we don't like how our relationship is working, we can always step back and redesign it together.
2. Sound & Breath Practices
Vocal toning exercises, including humming and chanting “Ommmm.” These practices stimulate the vagus nerve, activating the parasympathetic nervous system to promote relaxation. Participants noted sensations of softening, warmth, and connection following this exercise.
3. Reaching Beyond the Dyad
Many people rely solely on romantic partners for emotional safety, which can heighten anxiety. Kai encourages cultivating a broader web of relational support to create greater emotional resilience:
Connect with nature by spending time outdoors, walking in the woods, or feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin.
Engage in community by seeking support from friends, mentors, or groups that provide connection and understanding.
Explore spiritual resources such as prayer, meditation, or meaningful rituals that foster inner peace and grounding.
When we broaden our attachment landscape, we become less dependent on any single person for emotional regulation.
Reclaiming Agency in Relationships
Rather than viewing attachment strategies as fixed labels, Kai reframes them as adaptive responses with both wisdom and limitations. She emphasizes:
“Each attachment pattern has gifts: Anxious attachment teaches deep care, avoidant attachment fosters independence, and even disorganized attachment holds resilience.”
By acknowledging the wisdom in our strategies while working toward balance, we develop more choice and flexibility in relationships.
Final Takeaways: Healing Anxiety Through Embodied Practice
Kai emphasizes that healing attachment anxiety is not about eliminating fear but about expanding the capacity to hold both connection and uncertainty. She encourages ongoing somatic exploration by:
Practice gratitude for self and others.
Listen to and work with, rather than against, anxiety.
Expand sources of safety beyond one relationship.
Engage the body in moments of stress.
“Healing is not about fixing ourselves. It’s about cultivating the body, the relationships, and the world that we need to feel at home.”
At The Embody Lab, we are honored to share transformative insights from thought leaders like Kai Cheng Thom, who bring deep wisdom to the intersection of somatics, attachment, and justice. By integrating these practices, we can move from fear to connection - one breath, one relationship, one embodied moment at a time.
Want to Learn More?
Want to learn more about somatic approaches to relationships? Our Somatic Attachment Therapy Certificate Program offers in-depth training in these methods. Join us to develop the skills needed to help couples create lasting, secure partnerships.
